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Have you ever experience the feeling of being lost and forgotten? Feeling lonely and abandoned? Betrayed by your tears and fake smile?

These feelings are not foreign, for some they are very well masked and deep buried and for some they are very superficial. People constantly lead you to believe that you have everyone’s company and support but the fear of being left all alone, looking at the back of the person walking away from you, lingers. You are scared of the past repeating itself, scared that when you need someone the most they will just make a face at you and walk away. Sometime you are scared that by expressing what’s running through your mind you will be portrayed as weak and incapable of handling their emotions, and people will judge you. You are scared that if you constantly let yourself drown in the pool of your sorrows, people will eventually get tired and won’t rescue you.

You want someone to talk to, but you don’t want to burden them with your unnecessary sadness and stupid insecurity problems. But at times you even think that it is highly impossible for someone to understand what you’re going through thus making you feel deserted, again. But letting your feelings out helps reduce the pain and sharing your misery with someone somehow helps bring a smile on your face because you realize you are bugging and irritating the person and just to cheer them up and end the topic, you smile.

I don’t know how to conclude this post, and I don’t know what more to write, so I’ll just see you later alligators.

My Sadness.

Many times people ask me why am I so sad? Why have I lost my chirpy, bubbly nature? Why have I become so weak and vulnerable? Why has that smile disappeared from my face? Why do I now choose sadness over happiness?

Dear alligators, to tell you the truth, even I don’t know the answer to these questions. Maybe it’s because I love to welter away in my sadness and see the negativity in everything; maybe it’s because I finding sadness comforting and it provides me with a shield. I feel sadness is my escape, my sanctuary. It helps me criticize myself, go over my mistakes and improve them, during my darkest times it helps me express. My sadness somehow makes me see and experience things which I can’t see when I am happy. I view people differently, always trying to uncover their mask to know what’s going on deep inside them. When you are sitting in the dark and swaying in the sadness, you get a chance to think.

When I shift into my dark aura mode, my sadness helps tone down my anger because in the end I just take the blame and walk away. My sadness is my knight in the shining armor. Sadness provides me with a sense of relief and when I receive similar signals from someone, someone with the same shadowy bubble around them, I get attracted to them. Know why? Because it’s during that moment you feel you have someone to accompany you on the stranded road and they are the one you can pour your heart out to; because you know they won’t judge, they won’t comment, they won’t give any advice, hell they may not even be listening to you but you know that whatever happens you both are in this together and they will walk that road with you. The feelings you share are mutual.

I won’t say that my smile has left my face completely; it’s just taking a break.

I am not weak; I have just lost the interest to show my strength and my capability.

I am not sad; I am just seeing how it feels to walk that path.

I am not choosing sadness; I am just experiencing the opposite of happiness.

Life of a Young Girl.

Early morning she was heading home from her usual morning walk. But today, something was different.

Each day she walked with the wind and basked in the sun but today she was walking against the wind, under the clouds in the drizzle. After a long time she had decided to take a trip down the road and she was surprised to see the serene peace and emptiness on the road.

She was hypnotized by the sound of drums beating in her ears and was oblivious to the lyrics playing. She was lost in her own thoughts wondering and staring at the gravel crunching beneath her feet.

She was wondering where did she go wrong that today she is in such a condition, suffering to stay happy, craving to bring back joy in her life; she was wondering since when did she find sadness so addictive that now even when she could see a door to happiness awaiting her with open arms, she kicked it shut. She went through her fragile memories which she was preserving to see who she was and what she has become; to check what crime she had committed to have lost everyone. Never had she felt so lonely, never had people wanted to run away from her. Sure, people said that they were there for her but why didn’t anyone ever try to show it to her, prove it to her. She was in a situation where she is always present for everyone but when she needed someone, they would melt into the darkness abandoning her in the somber alley. She did not have words to express the whirlpool of emotions within her and even if she did, she did not have anyone to share it with.

She wondered why she liked to take the blame of everything even when at times it wasn’t her fault.

“I guess it gives me a reason to divulge more into sadness and shed a few tears”, she said.

She was forcing herself to walk up the hill even when she was completely exhausted. Exhausted from the fate of life; exhausted from the relentless attempts to be part of everyone’s lives; exhausted from the feeling of losing herself; she was exhausted of life, she wanted to end it, she wanted to drift away to a peaceful sleep.

And that very moment she found that peace and the lights went out.

Escape

Sometimes all we want to do is escape. Not the one where the characters of a story book escape the grasp of the evil queen. No.

Sometimes you want to genuinely escape. Flee. Abscond. You want to evade the reality, the present, the new tomorrow. You want to leave your past behind because it hasn’t given you any fruitful results and you certainly don’t expect your life to take a new course and bear sweet scented flowers on your path without any thorns. Your road is full of stones, thorns, breaks, falls, intense heat, harsh weathers and what not. But let’s admit it, at least once our hearts have longed to be free; to breathe in the fresh air of freedom, to elope and be married to freedom, to court liberty.

We all want to cut loose all our worldly ties and experience how it feels to bask in the sun without the fear of getting tan, to sit in the balcony and live in the chilly air without having the fear to catch a cold, to walk in the rains without the worry of wetting your clothes. We all want to run away to some place where there is solitude and there is just you and nobody else; where you have the peace of mind and time for yourself.

You have nights to dream about how your life has been and how you can mold it in the future; how much you have already ruined it and how you can now make it a bed of roses; you have those nights where you can just drink a cup of coffee and moan because of its warmth and taste, those nights where you can become a child again and gaze at the moon and star in wonder, in admiration, in awe.

Your escape gains you the privilege to experience those days where you can do what you want and not what you are compelled to do, you get to live the life you always wanted to.  You get to look at the birds hibernating, feeding their young ones, look at their stress free lives, and look at the love in their hearts. You get to familiarize how it feels to let your soul loose and wander away with the wind, swim in the streams, climb mountains, look at the sunsets.

Because it is in this escape that you get to be intimate with your surroundings, you get to apprehend the true you. It is in this escape when you laugh and soar high up in the sky without having the fear to fall.

But all this is when you make an escape and we all are coward to do so. In the end how much ever we don’t want to, we always wake up to reality and all our thoughts to cut and run, comes to a full stop. We wake up to reality. We wake up to the disappointed us.

Our escape is only in our dreams.