Numb.

Have you ever felt numb, so weak that you think that any moment your heart will collapse? Ever wanted the earth to open up and engulf you within it so that you can rest for eternity? Ever wanted lightning to strike you so that you can turn to ash and all you drift away with the wind or disappear in the water? Ever wondered how it would be like to burn in the lava of hell and watch your body burn, seeing that gruesome event with your eyes, watch your each body part turn to dust and smoke? Ever wished that your bones are hammered into so small pieces and they are crushed to such small extent that they form even finer pieces than salt so that they can dissolve in water?

You have the false hope that pacifies you that one day everything will be alright and someday a bright rainbow will also shine in your life and fill it with the seven colors. Someday a big flood will come in your life and wash away all your sadness and fear and once again there will be a bright new tomorrow. Someday after eating tons of ice cream all the pain will numb and eventually time will heal all wounds.

Well, all this is bullshit. What has to happen will happen, you cannot change the course of anything. All the depression and sadness that has been written in your life will come to you when it is supposed to. It is said when a person laughs a lot, he has cry a lot too. Now I believe this myth.

It is tough to hide your tears from the world so once in a while we should let them flow. Let the world know you are hurting. Being strong and putting up fake smile only shows what a coward you are that you can’t even face your problems and turn your back towards them. How weak you are that instead fighting your problems and getting rid of them you just hide under a shelter and avoid them.

Everyone has to face tough times once in a while. But the person who bravely puts up a resistance against it and overcomes those painful times is the person who will be happy in the future, the one who will survive in this race.

Sorry.

When you hurt someone whom you care about the most, there are no amounts of drinks that can help wash down the guilt and there is no amount of ice cream that can numb the pain.

The damage has been done. The scar has been carved and all the apologies in the world seem to be less. Tears are few to express the hurt that one is going through. No matter how wide your smile is or how enthusiastic and lively your “Hello” is, the fear of the past repeating itself, always lingers like a shadow.

You can’t be selfish and expect that person to be there by your side and care for you, make you smile when you are low help you and support you, and be the pillow to your tears when YOU in return are just going to hurt them, ignore them and be mean to them even if you don’t intend to do so.

I have been this type of a friend and hurt the person I care about the most and somehow I just can’t let go of the thought that I was capable of doing something like this, which I had never imagined in my whole life.

So, my bestie I know I am not the perfect or the best friend you would have ever wanted and I am sorry for that. For causing you the pain.

Sorry.

Love,
-C